#MeToo

Much like so many of the other women who posted #MeToo, I was hesitant to share my stories. Brene Brown teaches us that "vulnerability is about showing up and being seen", and that if we can share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame can’t survive. These are my stories.

Junior High

I was "going out" with a sweet boy. Which basically means we talked on the phone after school sometimes - and he was publicly my "boyfriend". We didn't really hold hands or kiss, and we bought each other presents for Christmas and Valentine's day. One day in science class, another not-so-sweet boy said to me, "You know, he's only going out with you because of your boobs." He might have been kidding, he might not have. Either way, I had a reputation for a hot temper, so I marched down to the principal's office and asked the secretaries if I could see the principal when he had time. A few hours later, my temper had cooled to anxiety and I received my summons to his office. Of course, when the aide came to class to tell the teacher the principal was asking to see me, the whole class did they're typical "ooooOOoo", and I blushed furiously as I exited the classroom. I remember my hands shaking when I went into his office and told him my story - I was so proud of myself for not crying. My junior high principal is a man that I have great respect for - he didn't question me, and that not-so-sweet boy was sent to in-house suspension for a week. I am very fortunate that he believed me, because there are many, many girls who in the same situation would have been told "well, boys will be boys".

What happened next was harder to deal with. Of course, by now, everyone knew why that boy was suspended, and because of his suspension was no longer permitted to go on some class trip (I can't remember where). I was called a tattle-tale, a bitch, and many unsavory names by his friends - I was made somewhat of a pariah for standing up for myself. Grade school children can be cruel, and friends of bullies can be the cruelest. Thankfully, I also had great friends who reminded me that I did the right thing and not to sweat it. It's important to note that #MeToo isn't just women in the workplace - I was a girl in school. I was maybe 12 or 13 years old. I ask the men out there, how would you feel if this is what your daughters were experiencing in a place where they are supposed to be safe? More than just #HowWillIChange that I see from my male friends, what will you teach your children?

High School

At the school I went to, the graduating senior class had an all-night party after the graduation ceremony. We called it "Project Graduation", and it was planned for us by group made up of parent volunteers. We'd load up onto busses and make several stops at different venues, all of which were supposed to be a "surprise" (but of course, since it was planned by our parents and teenagers gossip, we all knew what the stops were. There are only so many places you can go in the town I grew up in anyway).

In between a pair of stops, I was hanging out with one of my male friends (we'll call him X). I was tired, and pretty sleepy and he offered me a backrub. What I thought was starting as a friendly backrub turned into him fondling my breasts - I wasn't sure what to make of it, and I was uncomfortable, but I don't think I stopped him. I should have. I don't recall exactly how it ended, but I think I pretended to fall asleep. I heard later from other boys in my class "hey, I heard X got to third base with you!" It was incredibly embarrassing and I still feel a little ashamed that I let it happen. X and I never talked about it, and we went on our separate ways to different colleges - last I heard I think he's married with children, and I wonder what he would teach them.

University

I don't recall any specific stories from college. I know that almost immediately after meeting other men, I'd emphasize my long-term boyfriend who was at Purdue as a self-defense mechanism. I also had a pretty strong shift in the company I kept. In high school I had a lot of guy friends - I'd hang out at my friend Brett or Sam's house (neither of them are X) and we'd play video games, or I'd hang out at my friend Eric's house (also not X) and just generally be silly. I had girlfriends in high school too, I'd say the group of friends I hung out with was pretty evenly split between guys and girls. I tended to create a lot of my own drama (right, Jamie?!?), and hanging out with drama-free guys meant there was less drama all around.

In college, I hardly hung out with guys at all. I lived in an all-women's residence all. I joined a service sorority that was mostly female...I think there were only 2 or 3 "Mister Sisters" when I was there. I played the piccolo which was 30 women and 3 men. Ironically, one of my closest friends was one of those 3 men. Hah! Even in my department, I gravitated toward building friendships with other women instead of men. I'm sure I experienced sexual harassment in college, but none of them stand out as vividly as my examples from grade school.

Professional Life

I am blessed that I have not experienced overt sexual harassment in the workplace. Gender discrimination for sure, and that is a whole different topic for a different day. My first place of employment - a mid-sized construction firm in Minneapolis - was amazing. I felt supported as a professional woman, my ideas were respected, and the people were great. I had one not-so-great boss (who no longer works for them), and my issues with him didn't really have much to do with me being a woman as they did with him being arrogant and condescending (to everyone). The main reason I left was that it was, in fact, a mid-size firm without much vertical movement for me - I was there while my first husband finished his PhD, and then I moved on to a much larger corporation with much larger projects in oil & gas.

At my current company, again, I sense a lot of support for women, and sexual harassment as far as I know is not tolerated. Moreso than my first company, I experience strong-yet-subtle gender discrimination, and again, different topic for a different day. Unfortunately the most vivid sexual harassment experience I've had as an adult was during a business trip, though outside the workplace. I was on an assignment which required me to travel to Jakarta, Indonesia for roughly 3-6 weeks at at time. Over the course of a year, I went to Jakarta 7 times - which meant I spent most of that year in various stages of jet lag. One night, I decided to dine alone at one of the venues in my hotel - a lot of the business travellers liked to hang out in the club upstairs, and as an introvert, sometimes I just wanted to eat by myself. I was literally propositioned by a man while I was eating. I politely explained to him in my very American accent that I was at the hotel for professional business, and he had the decency to apologize and appear embarrassed. On the one hand I "should have known better" - the bar I was eating at was known for 2 things, a great hamburger and prostitution late in the evening, and since I look ubiquitously Asian, it's probably not too hard to mistake me for one of the working girls. On the other hand - it was early, around 6:30pm, and I shouldn't have to "know better" - while it might have been a different country, the clientele was all westerners. It was after work, I was dressed professionally - pants, a blouse, a jacket, and my wedding ring. I should be able to eat my dinner peacefully without being asked about the going rate for my services.

I share these stories because sexual harassment is so real and so pervasive in our society. I was watching Zoolander with my husband the other night - which used to be one of my favorite movies. I've been making Zoolander jokes about the tiny phone he bought (since he has to carry a USA phone and a UAE phone, he didn't want 2 large phones) and about Baby L since she favors turning her head to the right instead of to the left. I hadn't seen the movie in years, and re-watching it, I was shocked at the objectification of women in the movie. It seemed funny then, and seems a lot less funny now. I still enjoyed the movie, and I think I will probably take it off my favorites list.

I hope that my daughter doesn't have to have experiences like mine, although the cynic in me says that she will. I put my faith in God to make her strong, in my husband to teach her how a man should treat a woman, and in the strong female role models that she will have in her life to teach her to stand up for herself -- my two sisters, myself, and all the great women that I have surrounded myself with.